(last comments: 3/17/03) Somewhere in the middle of this mess scroll down to read the Joe Schlared FAQ!!!!!!

I'd like to start off by saying that there are a lot of crazy wierdo's on the net.... and I'm one of them. Well actually, I'm just an average working class American who's a little off his rocker. I always wanted to have a bulls#!t page on my site, because I'm that type of person.... if u chat with me anytime..... those of you that know me know that I will just go off and talk about things that mean absolutely nothing. Plus, since this is my site, the beauty of it is that I can do whatever I want with it!

Also, anyone that reads this is just about as crazy as me.... well, I don't know... I will try to bring up some good points.

I wish i had time to put up more Accept/U.D.O. stuff, but I've been working heavy OT at work..... I also have a job transfer to worry about... finding another apartment... worrying about the move... cancelling the long distance phone so Chris don't run up the bill.... and many other things.

Trenton, Missouri is the best small town I have ever been to.

Anybody looking to open a restaurant out east?... Open up a Sonic Drive-In restaurant and watch business boom.

I think unions suck. You don't like what your company has to offer, get out.

I'm listening to Invisible Touch by Genesis right now.

Barney rules! The channel surfing stops with him. Even though he might be a government conspiracy cover up... I still like to sing the Stranger song. I would watch Sesamee St. if i was ever up that early in the morning.

I have an album to recommend to metal fans... I think it's one of the best kept secrets around (in other words... a great album that a lot of fans might be unaware of)... the Trick or Treat movie soundtrack. All the songs are done by the band Fastway.... I love every song on it.

Aren't those Michael Denner guitar solos on Mercyful Fate's "In the Shadows" album simply awesome!!!!

My vote for the best song where in the guitar solo, the rythm guitar work stands out better than the lead guitar solo..... Ozzy's "Bark at the Moon."

You know what I'm gonna miss about Columbus, OH.... well, my family.... but outside of that not a whole lot. Except for Nick the Greek restaurant.... I love Greek food! I tried to get Bob, the owner, to give me a company shirt but never got one.... e-mail me Bob if u get online!!

Unions suck.... woops, already said that.

DoN't yUo haTe INterNeT ChaTeRS wHo tyPe lIKe thiS!!

Can I make a plea for everyone to please don't take short cuts at work. Just do your jobs the right way and the safe way. You never know, you may work for me someday and I'm easy to get a long with as long as people do their jobs right.... that's one of my pet peeves.

Another pet peeve is people who use their car horns. I've been driving now for 12 years and have never put my hand on a horn.... because i don't live in New York City for one thing. If someone cuts in front of you... just swerve or hit the break... what's so hard about that?? No need to be an a$$hole. I've thought about carrying a baseball bat in my car... and the next time I'm stopped at a red light and don't see it turn green right away and the person behind me honks... I'll get out of the car with my bat and beat the s#!t out of them. Actually, I never would do that, but I'm not a violent person.... but doesn't mean that I can't think about it.

I used to be a big Jimi Hendrix fan.... I still think he's the all-time #1 guitar player followed by Randy Rhodes. It's just such a shame that their lives were cut short and I never got to experience their magic live. I looked up all of Hendrix's shows one time... and he did play at Veteran's Memorial here in Columbus. That's one of the things I've considered.... u know when u ask yourself, "well if i could go back in time... what would i do?".... that was one of my options.

I almost went to a KISS reunion show.... even though I don't listen to KISS and never really have... I just wanted to see history in the making. Someone I know makes fun of them sometimes.... I've heard him singing... "I... wanna sing the same song allll night...... and then sing it again.... I... wanna sing the same song alll night!"

Beenie babies, Beanie babies.... however it's spelled... would someone please tell me, what's up with these.... I don't get it?.... u mean if i take a piece of  white fabric and put some phukn' bird seed in it and draw a ghost's face on it... i can make $1000???

Hey... let's rate the fast food burgers here!!

#1 The Greek Burger, Nick the Greek
#2.... oddly the #2 double sonic cheeseburger.... get it...   #2  #2.... never mind!, Sonic
#3 Double quarter pounder, McDonald's
#4 Double Whopper, Burger King.... this used to be #1 for me... but I was blind to the existence of Nick the Greek and Sonic!
#5... oh, I don't know.... The Ultimate, Dairy Queen

Drinks

#1 Red Pop, White Castle
#2 Mr. Pibb
#4 Pepsi
#5 Diet Mt. Dew
#6  Cherry Pepsi
 

I'm bored and burned.... sunburned... sunblock didn't help... the tops of my feet are the worst... i'm bored.

On half days at work, i don't add up the production totals... only on full days on my regular days or OT... so i don't throw over 4000 on OT days... they ain't gonna give me anything.

Best things that ever happened to me:

#1and #2 The engagement to Christina and the first time I met her.... both are very very special!!
#3 The day my mom got custody of me and my brother... I was 7. I remember clearly the day when she picked us up from the babysitter.
#4 Well, this is personal if u know what i mean! HAHA!!
#5 Seeing Accept live in Cincinnatti 93.

Well, I better put this s#!t on-line... might add to it sometime when i'm even more bored...

signed,

Joseph Robert Schlared... the Humongous fan (that's the leader of the biker gang in the movie... The Road Warrior)

I'll shut up now

At work the other day, they were having a pro-ish cookout outside. They made the call for lunch and i clocked out and headed to my car. Before i got there, it started downpouring.... I mean like a monsoon! Driving home, I clenched my fists and shouted "YES! YES! YES!!!!! Rain out those phucking pros! Anything that the pros try to do I want ruined!.....

In case you're wandering, there are 3 types of pros and I hate most of them:

1) Disc golfers who play without a shirt on....(they are more pro-ish if they are carrying a bag plum-full of discs).
2) Anyone who works for a union.
3) (this is a little hard to explain) Anyone who works at a wharehouse/production plant/distribution center/etc... and they have to be using a time clock... and there has to be schedualed shifts at this place.

I was listening to my "Dark Sides" CD by King Diamond the other day..... which I think is a must for any Accept fan! Diamond's singing may not be everyone's cup 'o tea.... but you can't just judge a band by the singer!

9/9/98

Guess you scrolled down all this way to find out what in the heck is going on with this page. Well, your reading the writings of a fed up man. I thought it would be so easy to just quietly move over to Oz and start working on my page again. But no... as always..... complications.

One thing I don't understand is why everything about computers has to be confusing??? You would think that there whole purpose is to make things easier for people, which is not the case as far as I'm concerned. It's like, the people have to be smarter than the damn computer! That's why a lot of people are scared of them.... that's why there are computer literacy classes.

But Joe Schlared did the unthinkable. He created a web page decent enough to hold it's own among the other html masters.... without not even knowing what html or java or any of that other garbage is. But to do that, you have to be able to find programs on the net that will do the work for you. That's not always easy. And when little itsy bitsy teeny wienie things go wrong.... people as stupid as I am end up getting screwed and have all this technology thrown in their face.

The point is I tried... but it's not working. Every time I go to do something, something goes wrong.... and maybe it's best not to add to the page.

Also, hats off to the server I'm on. The people who ran the last server I used never caught on to the fact that I was way over the space limit.... but these people did.

So I have to cut down the size of the page so I don't get charged $5000000000000000000000/month. It'd be nice if they read this and cancelled my service. I don't know why I pay internet fees when I don't use the internet constructively.

Anyway, all the audio will be taken off my page except the unforgettable introduction. I also took the one year old photos of my wife and I down and was going to put up a wedding photo. But here we go again with another problem..... the scanner isn't hooked up yet!!!

Also, I doubt I'll be adding anything..... not even No Limits stuff. I just don't have the nerves of steel that it takes anymore. Besides.... about all I could do is scan the album cover and put that up.... but you can get that elsewhere.

3/11/99 Why don't I write in this more I don't know. I have a LOT of bullshit to offer nobody. Something real cool I found out last night. I have always liked a song off the Lost Boys soundtrack called "I Still Believe" by Tim Cappello. I was interested in seeing who he was and if he had any solo albums out, so I did a net search. First I have to go back several years to a day where I was watching the movie with my brother. If you've seen the movie, this is the song where there is a punkish band on stage and the singer being a muscular adonis type with I believe a dog collar on or some wierd shit. I jokingly asked my brother "Do you think he is the guy who really performed that song?" My brother was like "Fuck No!!!" It was so funny. So as luck would have it, i actually find a profile page for this guy as a member of Ringo Star's all-star band. And sure enough the picture was the guy from the movie! Half-naked, greased up and posing. Unfortunately the profile didn't mention any solo projects, just other people he had worked with like Tina Turner. I love the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome theme song by Tina and I'm willing to bet Tim played sax on that... I'll have to check it out.

9/29/99 I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've wrote here. Time sure does fly when you do absolutely nothing. It was funny reading back over this, and I couldn't remember being as frustrated as I was. Actually, I have been talking bulls#!t in this page...just not in this section :-) I've spouted off some crap and frustration on the links page and a couple others. The only thing going on with me now is trying to pay our bills off...and I will. I'm not going to be a peasant slave my whole life. I'll try to squeeze in some time working on this page from time to time :-)

1/25/00 FAQ!!!!!!!

It's FAQ time!! I always wanted to have a "FAQ" on my page. This website can't be all about Accept and UDO...have to have some stuff about myself on here. So, since nobody e-mails me questions about Accept, I will make up questions about myself!!!!!!! Try to think of the questions comming from an interviewer instead of myself (if that's possible) HA!

Who exactly is Joe Schlared?

Joe Schlared is really a nobody. I have never amounted to anything my whole life, which is just the way I want it. I'm cheating life.

What do you mean by cheating life?

It's simple. I don't have any responsibilities and nothing to worry about. I now have a job which I think is simple, I make enough money to support myself, and as long as the bills get paid I don't do anything else. I work full time only 3 days a week, the other 4 I sleep my life away!

Doesn't that get boring?

Well, sometimes.... but still it's the life I've chosen.

But if you ever have kids, that will all change!

Let's not jump to that yet! My wife and I still have a ways to go. But we're trying and when the time comes I will accept the "fatherly" responsibilities.

OK, let's switch gears for a minute. Have you always been an Accept fan?

Actually at the turn of the 80s when I was 8-10 years old is when I first started listening to music. I started off mainly listening to Olivia Newton-John and Michael Jackson. It wasn't until '84 when I started listening to metal and Twisted Sister. I didn't know about Accept until '87 and it didn't take long before they were my favorite band.

At one time though you were more into sports than music?

God, yes. From 82-96 or so, I was the hardest core Washington Redskins fan around. A huge Washington Bullets fan too. My Redskin collection was almost as big as my Accept collection is now.

So what happened with that?

Well, I got tired of it. Tired of my teams loosing....and got more into music. You see, Accept never loose, sports teams do.

What is your biggest moment as far as being an Accept fan?

Well, there's so many moments to choose from. But I would have to say, when Accept first took to the stage in Cincinnatti in 93 (the first time I ever saw them live).

And a second biggest moment?

Probably a tie between seeing them in Cleveland 93 and Columbus, OH 96. I was front row for both. Cleveland was special because the crowd was so f%#king rough. Columbus because I was finally seeing them in my home town.

That's 3 shows you mentioned.... just how many times have you seen them?

6 total. 3 times in 93, 3 in 96. In 96 I could have seen 2 more (making 5 shows total for that tour). At one of the cities I didn't feel like watching the opening acts. I decided to drive back to my motel room in one of the worst blizzards I've ever been in. I barely made it back and decided it wasn't worth killing myself to get back to the show. The 5th show, I was driving up and my oil in the car was low. I stopped to add oil and accidently added too much blowing a head gasket! Left a trail of oil on the highway for 20 miles on the way back home!

Have you ever spoke to the members of Accept?

Well, at the end of the Columbus 96 show I briefly spoke with Wolf and Peter. Got to shake Peter's hand too. As far as online goes.... Udo has sent me an e-mail, Peter signed my guestbook once, and Wolf has answered a couple of my questions on his bulletin board.

So how did your web page come about?

My brother introduced me to the net in 96. I even remember the first web page I looked up on my own...the site to the remake of "The Island of Dr. Moreau" movie. I searched and searched for an Accept page and found a crummy "official" site from Nashville. I couldn't believe that was all there was. Later I found Kjell Brovig's site. I knew that I was as rabid a fan as anyone and probably had as large a collection as anyone....and figured I had a lot of info that I could offer. The initial page was very basic... the front page was plain and aweful looking. But I feel it's really grown the last couple years and looks now the way I had invisioned it to look from the start.

The web has gotten more sophisticated now. Fancier pages.... things like Flash and Shockwave for instance. Do you have plans for that kind of stuff in your page?

Absolutely not! As far as I go is animated gif's. I thought frames was one of the first "advances" that I looked into and decided not to have on my page. It cuts down the size of the page. I like just scrolling back to the previous or main page to look at the choices again. And as far as flash and those things....those are good on other pages, but not mine. I'm mainly concerned with providing information, rather than a fancy page layout.

Other pages have come out since yours. Most notibly Jerry's site and wolfhoffmann.com. Do you, or have you ever felt you are in competition with these sites?

No, never. I know a couple authors shut down after Wolf's site thinking they couldn't "compete", but I don't see a competition going. When I first started the page, my whole lifetime goal was just to have one person who I didn't know see my page. In my mind, every person who saw it after that is a bonus. Also, Wolf's site is not an Accept site. A lot of people misunderstand that....it's a Wolf Hoffmann site.

Tell us more about the other music you listen to?

I still listen to Twisted Sister and Dee Snider related. Also Mercyful Fate, various other metal. And a lot of various 80s pop. ELO, Heart and Journey are my favorites.

Could you tell us a little about your family?

Well, I live in the world famous (yeah right!) city of Osawatomie, KS with my wonderful wife Christina. We met on the internet if you can believe that in 97 and were married a year later. We moved here from my hometown of Columbus, OH in 98. The rest of my family (mom, step dad, dad, brother) still live there. My wife's family lives in Trenton, MO...the city I have called the #1 city in America.

Why is that?

It's just hard core! Everything you could ever want or expect to have from a small-town life, you can find in Trenton.

How bout a favorite movie Joe?

I'll give you 5!

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) Hoosiers 3) Xanadu 4) Scilence of the Lambs 5) Road Warrior

Are you really as crazy as this bullshit subpage leads people to believe?

Well, in a way I am.... but the main word to describe me is insignificant. As I've already said, I don't count for anything. And I guess that anyone who reads this insignificant nonscense about a complete nobody is as crazy as I am.

Well, you may have made some people happy by offering information on this page and giving out free videos. How many people have you helped out with free vids?

A lot! And glad to be of help. Some people only charge money for shows and that's it. Since I'm a bum, I have a lot of free time on my hands to give out shows. I even taped 24 hours worth of footage for someone at once.

You probably won't like this question, but how would you like people to remember Joe Schlared?

You're right...I don't like the question, because I haven't done anything and there's nothing to remember. Only immediate family and friends would remember me!

Pick a president for 2000.

I haven't voted since 96 and it's a good thing I don't vote! I'm one of those people who just picks a person for no reason. If Hulk Hogan ran, I'd vote for him just because it would be "cool". If I was voting now, I'd pick Alan Keyes just because his phony speaches make me laugh my ass off! It's people like me that give the US a bad name. There's people in other countries who can't vote and would do anything to have that privilege.....and here you have someone like me who just doesn't care. It's sickening.

One final question (before we bore the readers to death)....what do you see Joe Schlared doing in 2000?

Good final question. Most of my goals are money related. I plan to knock my debt down considerably. My wife and I work at the same place and just got a raise... that will help! Plus she gets another raise in a couple months... that will help! If we get second jobs... that will REALLY help! And I've got some other things up my sleeve. I'm also hoping UDO will tour the states. I'd like to go back home a little more often this year and travel a little more if we can afford it... who knows what will happen with me.

Thank you Joe! If any anyone has any questions for Joe about anything, please e-mail him at gazelle@grapevine.net and he will put the questions and his answer here. Thanks!

From Darren(1/25/00): Boxers or thongs?

Neither, I'm a briefs guy. But I will explain why I don't wear boxers for all the countless women out there who want Joe Schlared, but know they can't have him cause he's married. When I was in 7th grade, I ordered a pair of Redskins boxer shorts thinking they were just shorts. Well, I took them to school and wore them over my briefs as shorts to gym class! Another kid asks, "Hey man, why do you have your dad's underwear on?" I replied, "These aren't underwear, these are boxer shorts!" And he said "Oh, ok", and turned and laughed with a couple other kids. HAHAHAHA!! Talk about feeling like a dumb ass. I won't go near those things now!

From Darren (1/25/00): To what length would you go to be able to get onstage and jam with the 1984 version of the band for one song (videotaped for you to keep of course? Drink a glass full of audience piss maybe?

Front row is good enough for me. In Columbus, I was pissed Udo was autographing for people on stage and I didn't know how those fans got up there. I jumped up on the stage (this was after the show)....and a guard told me to get down. "What about those people?" I said. Again he told me to get down. No explanation. If I had any guts I'd kick his ass. But to me the band aren't gods...just cool as hell musicians, and I wouldn't do anything to get on the stage...I wouldn't really want on the stage at all! Sorry if that's a boring answer.

From Undisclosed (2/29/00): What are your long term goals (mainly career wise)?

I was asked this 2 days ago at work by someone in management who doesn't know this page exists, so I can't reveal their name. I gave a stupid, yet true, answer to them that I don't have long term goals right now. One of my bills is my short term goal now. When it gets paid, my next goal is the next bill, and I will knock them out one at a time guaranteed. Even after that is accomplished, I still don't see myself having career goals. I think of being past that point. I don't know if the person asking knows my age, but I'm 27...an old 27. My previous job took 40 years off my life, and I'm right now a 27 year old in a 67 year old's body. It's not funny either... anyone that questions that statement can ask my wife how much I sleep in one average day. Last year I think it was at a job interview I was asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And I laughed and said "I'm already grown up." I've been working now for 11 years, and been around the block.....in fact I've been around the whole country coast to coast in one of my past jobs. And I've had too many jobs to list here...the point is just that I've "been around". I think at my age, "goal" is not really a good word to use. If I'm already situated in what I consider to be a well-paying job (for the work I do), I'm not gonna lie- I'm always on the lookout for something else, or better ways to make money. But that's a lot different than a "goal".

4/13/00

Last weekend I started my new job at work (same warehouse, different job). It's the first job I've had in over 5 years that does not envolve continuosly hadling cases of freight. Mostly women work this job...but anyone can work it. I've got teased a little at work and online...but my attitude is, "So What?" There are some guys in that place that would be too embarrased to sign up for a job that's mostly women working it. I really don't give a shit. I'm not gonna bust my ass and break my back in 1/2 just because of some stupid societal norms and pressures. I figure there's no sence in me working the physically demanding jobs when there are other far less physical jobs that pay the same. Everything seems to be going well with this site. I was averaging only 2-4 hits a day for several months. Now that I've got it linked in a few more places, the hits are picking up. Just a couple months ago, I went from 6 to 7 hits a day average. For a page that has had a hit counter for over 1000 days, it takes a lot of hits to move up one average hit! The last few weeks since I've started typing the mag articles and the interviews, It seems like I've been getting over 20 hits a day. The average is still 7, but I'm only a few days away from 8 at this rate. I suppose one person could be hitting the counter up out of boredom. But that's something only I would be bored out of his mind to do! And I wouldn't do it to my own page. It doesn't have to be me adding the page to places. If anyone reading this sees a site listing heavy metal links, and they don't have me linked... tell them to add Joe Schlared's page!!! HAHAHA! Also, one last thing to mention. There was a movie stuck in my head, that I saw back in the early 80s. I could not remember any of the actor's names, the title, and not much of the plot at all. After hours of searching, I posted what I could remember on a Yahoo message board, and a couple days later I got a response! The movie was called Heartbeeps (I think you have to be at least 25 years old to remember this movie!!). I went straight to eBay, did a search, and WAH-LA!!, a sealed copy shows up!! I was too thrilled for words! 

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