Black Boxes
Sweet Dreams or Nightmares?
by Fred Dudek, Die Zeitung
Connecticut Valley Chapter -May 1996
Electrons, neutrons, and protons. Where are these guys? Who are these guys? I'm told that they're whizzing all around me on my daily drive, doing this, doing that, doing just about everything necessary per the given commands of my engine management system. One of these little fella's decides to seek his own destiny, and Kapow, driving life as one knows it goes awry. The ultimate driving machine becomes the ultimatum driving machine. Get me home, or else!!!
Seventy-eight thousand miles, and not even a bump in the loving purr of my engine. Add twenty more miles to the odometer and suddenly, sharply, a cough, then a rough engine, loss of full power, and a coast to the side of the highway. Black smoke pours out of the exhaust as I feather the throttle trying to keep the engine pulse alive. No dice, my beloved machine dies on the side of a lonely highway. A short prayer, a begging plead, and an attempt to refire. Instant start-up, perfect idle, perfect acceleration: Hooray, it was only a glitch. The remaining ride was uneventful, and as several days go by, the incident is forgotten, and all is forgiven.
Weeks pass, and a trip to the Cape reinforces the fact that everything is okay. The return trip is almost over, when hunger overtakes the vehicle occupants and a quick detour to a diner is in order. After a quick meal, back to the bimmer, and a short jaunt home. Not!!! Cough, sputter, sputter, more dark black smoke, rough idle, no power, and all my feathering gas pedal foot can do is barely keep the engine running. (If one can really call this running!) Time, maybe it just needs some time. Four minutes later, all is well again; the car performs flawlessly the remainder of the trip.
Days pass, and now I'm getting paranoid every trip I take. Finally, my greatest fears come true. Again, thick dark black smoke, rough idle, and then; death! This time the electronic gremlin has killed my baby. If it wasn't for starter noise, there would be no noise at all except for my cursing in misery, as if my best friend was lost. People stare, and I know they're laughing at the sight of that black bimmer on the end of the hook.
Days pass, the Bentley manual is absorbed in my mind after hours of reading, and finally a call to my friends at Noble's confirms my suspicion; my engine's brain is dead. Transplant surgery is the only option. True to their word, Noble has the new brain to me in a couple of days. Some screw removal, some plugs exchanged, and the surgery is successful. Life is once again into my engine, and great satisfaction envelopes me on the feat.
Months pass, the motor purrs like a contented kitten, life is good. A quick errand changes the mood rapidly. Upon engine start-up, the revs go up to 1500, drop to 600, over and over again. What the @#&*?? Throttle up the engine, and all is fine, bring it back to idle, 1500, 600, 1500, 600. Now what? Back to the Bentley's. Hmmm, another little box with gremlins! Some more screws removed, a plug removed and some voltmeter testing. Hey, this troubleshooting stuff really works. The Bentley says it should read this, and it doesn't. Another call to Nobles, and some days later, another brain for yet another function arrives. Again, a successful transplant. With shaking hand, I turn the key. 600 rpm constant, right on the money!!
Two years pass, and performance has been flawless. Life once again is good, until................
The morning of a trip to New Hampshire and the engine cranks and cranks but will not start. Time commitments force the use of another vehicle for the trip. Home once again, I try the bimmer, and it roars to life. Another Hmmm! On and off for the next month the car is intermittent and temperamental, but it always starts. Finally, death comes once again. Back to the Bentley's once more, and this search leads back to the engine management system. Voltmeter readings, and ohmmeter readings indicate a sensor from the computer to the transmission flywheel. Further testing proves the sensor bad. Hello Noble? Two days later, and the new sensor arrives, and replacement is easily done. Do I really want to try and start the car? Be brave Fred, give it a try. Instant start-up, instant perfect idle, and revs on command. Life is good!!!
Another year has passed, and life is still good. Wait a minute, what are those green and amber service indicator lights flashing for? Oil service, inspection, oil service, inspection. My sanity is tested every time I drive, and see those blinking lamps. An Internet article tells me that this is a common occurrence with this machine. The remedy looks like more than I want to tackle at this point in my life. A one inch wide piece of dymo tape works just fine to stop this problem. The old saying is true, out of sight, out of mind!
Life is good!