The
Actor
The night rolls around me,
The chill it descends,
This mist of emotion,
I've been shown is pretend,
A pretender came to me,
Took all I had to give,
She jolted a memory,
When she made my heart spin,
Such a well disciplined actor,
She played her part to a T,
Opened up the show with a kiss,
Got a standing ovation from me,
Standing in a pile of roses,
Taking in the applause,
Then the curtains closed,
She turned away without a pause,
I didn't want to impose,
Or to waste precious days,
I saw clear the valleys and hills to pass,
Even through all the haze,
I saw a way of life,
I don't think you want now,
So I took a chance on you,
And you took a bow,
To your standing ovation,
To the rising applause,
How you looked so lovely,
And left without a pause.
© October 4, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Deeper I Drift
I really didn't mean to disturb you,
Fuck with your program and all,
I fell in love with you, is it a sin,
That I jumped at your call?
I was prepared to go to hell,
Just to be close to you love,
Now I get there and you blow me off,
What did I do to lose your love?
Everyday you grow away from me,
Sitting next to me on the other side of the world,
I haven't done anything to be thrown to the wind,
You're older than I, but still a little girl,
You can't relax your mind or body,
You can't see the you I see,
when I know you're there,
I can't seem to help you feel at ease, I try; you don't, who fucking
cares,
I don't' need to be told,
When a love grows cold,
When a promise can't hold,
When a dream is sold,
You've got to realize what you want,
Before you start your quest,
If not it might be a pipe dream,
A big fucking joke at best,
If I'm on a carnival ride,
Let me off the fucking thing,
I'm just one confused, yet, honest man,
Who does a lot of imagining,
Looking down life's highway,
The uncertain lies ahead,
When I stop laughing at life and love,
That's when I'll be alive, yet, feel dead,
Deeper, I drift into total blackness and certain end of hope.
© October 4, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Emotional Mess
Love has always been an enemy of mine,
Every time it come along it's a grind,
I've learned a lesson or two from its kiss,
Didn't ever expect to find,
You, so lovely every time I look at you,
Filling me with emotions deep inside my heart,
Staying 'til the day I die,
Will this depth of beauty tear me apart?
Slowly I learn I can't have my dreams,
Hitting me like a fist in the face,
Darkening my soul with a veil of black,
Stealing away the last traces of grace,
You are my dreams, altogether, you,
I know I'm thinking of you every second,
Concerned about your safety, health and sanity,
Love still giving me a lesson,
No one's ever touched me the way you do,
Filled my heart with a hunger,
Quenched the fire my eyes blaze,
Now, the world's cruelty pulls me under,
Why does this love have to be so complicated?
When it is the one I have waited for all this time,
All others seem so minimal and incomplete,
I feel like life's been the ultimate crime,
'Til now even smiles seemed useless,
You've changed the way I look at life ahead,
If I loose you to an unlucky circumstance,
My dreams, my life, my heart, will feel dead,
Wishes are words and dreams are thoughts,
Some come true some are blown to the wind,
The truth, is all I need to know anything,
And in the end all I need is a special friend,
I found a friend with whom I could share myself,
And this love that is deeper than any well,
A friend I know I could never mislead,
For who's trust I would gladly burn in hell.
© October 6, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Have I Become?
I'm a rock,
In a vast ocean,
The current takes me along,
Grinding me to dust,
In its unexpected holes,
Undercurrent,
Sucking me under waves a roll,
Along the earth's surface,
On land, air and sea,
Greenery around me,
Black inside of me,
No, to games and players,
There's no equilibrium,
No to whittling winds,
Life is fucking dumb,
I feel psychotic,
The pain I need to release,
Pummeling something living,
Have I become like an enraged beast?
Blood scent and taste in my mouth,
Feel the blackness pulling,
And constricting round,
No security in my life,
Where did I make a wrong turn?
Why did I do it to myself?
Another useless lesson learned,
Broken is my will,
I know I've got to find,
Some kind of real,
Peace of mind,
How can I say good-bye?
Will I have to utter that word?
It will be like flames in my mouth,
Heaving from my lungs,
Raping my very soul,
Of love that is scarce at best,
Deeply ripped from within,
My still beating breast, Did you laugh?
Did you pity me?
Are you daft?
We're both lonely,I feel psychotic,
The pain I need to release,
Pummeling something living,
Have I become an enraged beast?
© October 3, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Fuck Me - Fuck You
Fuck everyone I know,
Fuck you too,
Even though you don't know me,
I'm probably exactly like you,
Fuck off, You need to grow up some,
Slow down, Run yourself into the ground,
Relax, Things could be worse,
Collect the facts, Don't let your mind wander perverse,
Run away, Close yourself inside that shell,
Scream and yell, Release the tension only time will tell,
Push me away, You might as well tell me to fuck off,
Communicate, Your confusion about me has me lost,
Wondering, If you will last long at all,
Wasted time, Hanging like a picture on the wall,
Life sucks, Sometimes when the future is so unclear,
Tormented, By the words of the insincere,
Ends, frayed ends, Pressures boiling like molten rock in me,
Sickening, Frying pan to fire in a flash of stupidity,
Wrecking ball, That's all your love is beginning to be,
Pummeling, My soul longs to be released,
Under six feet, Is where I'm longing to be these days,
Entombed , my hollow shell to the grave,
Sweet blackness, taking me away from here,
Sleep of the dead, and gone is my fear,
Resting at peace, Time turning all I was to dust,
A place I long to be, The sooner I can get there I must,
Die young, Before my strings had been strung,
Forced down, Climbing this ladder, wrung by wrung,
Never getting anywhere to my advantage,
Never gaining any ground or foothold,
Stagnant it seems for this part of my life,
At 25 I feel so very old,
Ancient are my beliefs,
Instilled upon myself alone,
Always there inside of me,
Consume me to the marrow of my bones,
Righteous,
Just cause,
Intense,
No laws,
Brothers,
Lovers,
Pushers,
Shovers,
Manipulators,
Instigators,
Infiltrators,
Mental masturbaters,
Everywhere
© October 4, 1992 Rod Arbogast
A Thick Cloud
How can I say what I feel,
Without being misunderstood,
How come the walls crumble,
When it seems to be going so good,
I planned to ride the storm,
Brave elements so fierce,
To reach the destination ahead,
Like a bullet I will pierce,
Nothing's impossible ever,
If your determination is set,
You've got to hold your head high,
Don't look back or regret,
All that has occurred so far,
Only shows me what I can accomplish,
Gives me something to fight, to have,
Not just sit and wish,
Only time will tell the truth,
And fate will close the deal,
I know I need what you are,
I can't erase the way I feel,
Hold on to your love for me,
Is it even there anymore?
I'm so confused and sick,
Of not knowing what's in store,
For myself, you and one,
I feel alone for some reason,
A thick cloud hanging overhead,
Of ignorance and treason.
© October 4, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Always The Same
What is this?
Speak when you're spoken to, Shut up, sit down!
Can you help me, turn my life around?
I'll say thank you, and forget what you've done,
When the shit gets too thick, that's when they run,
Leaving the best man they've ever had, fact not fiction,
Every time I try and help her, she takes it as a contradiction,
Frustrating life is what I see, no time to live and breathe,
We're all born to die and you get nothing for free,
Die alone in this living horror that all of us call life,
Trapped in the depths of our shattered dreams, behind these cold intense
blue eyes,
I scare some people just being myself, always those I could never hurt,
Their paranoia turns them away, away from the one person they should
never desert,
I keep traveling and hoping to find, someone who can hold onto my love,
Not run away from my eyes intensity, someone special who can rise above,
Depression sets itself into all of men, at some time in your life's
cycle,
You've got to tell yourself to slow down, take a break, recuperate for
awhile,
A million miles an hour, each day, your mind races against itself,
To withdrawn to reach out to someone, future to grim to expect any sort
of help,
Tearing away a little every single day, at the person you've come to
be today,
The single soul you know so very well, who goes so quickly from blues
to grays,
And pays in the end with your sanity, the waves of chaos crumble your
walls,
If you let people manipulate you at al in life, then someday you will
pace sanitarium halls,
Feeling life is so fucking unfair, yet knowing only yourself should
you blame,
When animals are caged against their will, some would rather die than
be tamed,
So I ask you again; do you know what you want? Someone who helps you
move along solid ground,
Fuck you; fuck me and all that oppose me, that's the answer I have found,I
don't shut up or sit down,
I don't conform to the procedures that you try and give,I help who I
feel is worthy of my time,
besides that I just try to live,Peacefully everyday of my life, I try
to wake up with an open mind,
To feel the things as they present themselves to me, an endless search
for peace of mind,
I'll never find, peace of mind, leaving behind, the things that shroud
my soul and leave me deaf, dumb, and blind.
© October 4, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Psyche
My life seems bleak at best, a descent into real nightmare,
Life is growing stagnant more each day, 'til I don't even fucking care,
If I live or die, if I eat or sleep,
If I sleep eternally or wake, from this love I feel so deep,
Everything is fucked; I'm getting upset real fast,
At the attitude of mistrust, it can't really last,
I don't say what I don't feel, I don't say it if it's not done,
I speak plain English, I am someone,
I'm not trying to play games; I'm better at being alone,
I don't need to be dominated; I can't live if all is not known,
Either I am your partner, or just another handsome face,
Someone to get sick of, you'd better find your place,
I don't try to change your ways; I give you insight to them,
A little outside observation, that's done between friends..... ya know?
I can be happy yes, but not with someone who has no time,
To feel happiness on some days, some days just rest your mind,
Rush here; rush there, a million, trillion circles,
Spinning a sticky web, for yourself to be agonized by fools,
Do this for money, do this for your disease,
Then over and over and over again, you search for some release,
Some inner condemnation, you expel upon yourself,
Leaving carnage in your path, just your voice, sometimes I melt,
I'm growing weary; I've got to be patient I think,
My senses are acute to goings on, sometimes I smell a certain stink,
A hideous feeling of loss, a viscous anger I wreak of,
A malicious conscious sets in, I've been ruthless for what I thought
was true love,
Guess it was just a big psyche.
© October, 4 1999 Rod Arbogast
Stench Of Deceit
Speak what's on your mind, honesty's the best policy,
One to one, man to man, on the level, diplomacy,
Straight out, get down, don't be afraid of what you feel,
Show the true you, be yourself, I know you're for real,
As real as I can be all the time, don't care what people think or say,
Don't label no one, hold my tongue, and use my good judgment 5 times
out of 10 everyday,
Try to keep my pride intact, hold my head above the water,
Keep a dream in my head; try not to avoid laughter,
Catch myself babbling away, rambling uselessly to my best friend,
Figuring out what I want from life, dealing with what's around the next
bend,
Twisting, turning, weaving about, circles upon circles, never ending
viscous cycles, people treating each other maliciously, they can't bring
me down,
I've been lower than you will ever know, nothing you could do to bring
me back around,
Suicidal tendencies inside of me, rising on occasion with the winds,
I'm one against all creation, myself I always defend,
Never surrender, death before dishonor,
Feel like a time bomb, but what's the bother,
Deep inside the depths of my mind, where my instincts reside,
Adrenaline pumps a beast to shock, ripping apart the shell that's so
tired,
Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, black to white, night to day,
Two sides of a coin, fused into this frame,
The look in my eyes scares you? Then run the fuck away,
'cause you ain't seen nothing yet, this motherfucker don't play silly
games,
Can't you ascertain or even comprehend, just how righteous a man I really
am?
I see doubt on very face here, believe in yourself and don't play these
fucking games, don't be brought down to their level man,
Take everything in stride day by day, learn their games but don't participate,
Always look at what their intentions are, be weary of all, but try and
relate,
Mess with the best, die like the rest, live free and ride with the wind,
Don't tread on me, you'll regret the consequences and their payment
'til the end,
Respects not hard to give, even harder to find,
Just when you think you've found a speck of it, all the time they were
fucking with your mind.
© October 4, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Torrential Rain
You brought the light; you brought the shadows,
Out of nowhere you came, broken are all the windows,
Shattered glass can slice, in your eyes blinding shards,
The blood life and love drain from your soul, rotting your innards,
The stench of deceit, you smell by instinct,
You know you'll fall, eventually extinct,
The dread slowly creeps inside, crawling slowly to your core,
Spreading its wings to shroud you, and devour you for ever more,
Is it just a passing phase, the time you waste alone?
Will kill you in the end, headrest of limestone,
When all is said, when all is done,
You die alone, utterly alone,
Your actions speak louder than words; your words are so few,
I sense the distance you create when things are going wrong with you,
You push me and retreat away, your eyes tell your secrets,
Can you fathom this hell, and how I've bled?
For the way you led on to be, how I perceived your personality,
Now I know who you really are, is this your reality?
Bite the hand that feeds you, snap at the fingers you hold,
Sell yourself short to yourself; take pride in the life that's unrolled,
At least you survived, the cruelties of the world,
I don't know it all, but give witness to it unfurl,
See you in heaven sometime, or in hell, who knows?
I know I see the light, and which way the wind blows,
And a lot of rain seems to fall,
Flooding my depths to overflow,
A despair so all consuming inside,
Never ceases its flow.
© October 3, 1992 Rod Arbogast
Beyond The Realm
Souls differ, each distinct,
All asking to have the answer,
They all have needs to meet,
Each craving a cure to stop the cancer,
Some like to feel the pain,
Some like to yell and fight,
Some have to be taught,
Some never ever feel half right,
Others receive rejection,
Some shine brilliantly come what may,
Some have a hole within them so vast,
It consumes more of their essence each day,
Some make the rules as they see fit,
While others break them continually,
Some repeat the same mistakes with the same outcome,
Hoping to fathom the questions answer, eventually,
Gaining purpose we are born with souls,
I've got to try and stay in tune with that inner voice,
That alarms my instincts to perceive devils and trolls,
And offers me the opportunity of choice,
Scarred deeply by the years of abuse inflicted,
Only sacrificing the hours to the battle with themselves,
Their reluctance to fight the uncontrollable compulsion,
I spiral even farther beyond the realm of help,
Blank stares of intoxication, yet, shifting eyes,
Portraying a character with such belligerence and ignorance,
I see the script unfolding with an underlying mystery,
The air is so thick as I offer up my resistance,
What kind of plot develops as your stare upon me is blank?
In the depths of your eyes I recognize your hatred,
You'd of liked me to be blind of reality tonight,
My afterthought is: that I saw too late how thin the ice was on which
I skated.
© October 5, 1995 Rod Arbogast
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