The Young Years

How does one begin to know one is a transsexual? Well for me I guess it started when I was young. I do not really know at what age I felt different – just as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be different. I can remember when I was small enough to believe in Birthday wishes, what’s that four or five, that I just knew if I blew out all the candles my wish would come true. It wasn’t just Birthday wishes, it was chicken wishbones, Christmas wishes, and prayers. Always I made the same wish – Please let me wake up tomorrow as a girl, that is all I want more than anything, Please. Of course people would ask what you wished for and I would always say, “ Well I cant tell or it wont come true.” Sometimes though when I would tell I would say I wished for some toy or some money or something like that. See even back then I had already learned I had to hide those feelings. I can remember my older brother and my folks, while not exactly giving me grief were like grow up and be a man. I used to have some stuffed animals and I got the message after awhile that those weren’t boy toys and I should find some other things to play with. So it became Transformers, army men, and race cars. Of course this was a façade and I was still empty so I turned to reading. This helped me get lost in fantasy worlds where anything could happen and I could forget my worldly troubles for a while. The problem was I then became labeled as a nerd because reading had helped me learn so much. I didn’t research the way I felt, because I thought it was just me and there wouldn’t be any information on that out there. I was young and not worldly so I just kept to myself and pretended. During this time I would make excuses to go into my moms closet and look at and touch the clothes. I would also imagine what if . . .

The Teenage Years

Well puberty is a hard time for anyone and it is even harder on those of us that hope it will never come. It is difficult to watch yourself change when you develop into a physique you really don't want to have. Perhaps I did my folks a disservice at this time because I knew what I wanted and never really confided in them. I was always of the opinion that if I told them they would think there is something wrong with me and be ashamed. I also rationalized my not telling them with, well if I tell them they will just say you don't really know because you aren’t old enough to know better. This confusing time for me was also heightened by the fact I really thought I was defective and no-body else was like me. I tended to be a loner and didn’t really want many friends. Sometime during my junior high days I realized being perceived as different was an invitation to school yard abuse. It was easier to adopt the disguise and behave the way the rest of the boys did so I would blend in. Throughout high school I did the things that society expected of a male – I played sports, had occasional fights, had a couple of girlfriends, and made fun of anyone different. I also took my life and role played to see if I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and what I needed to do to fix it. I would change the way I talked, walked, dressed, and acted to see if I couldn’t find the one that was a fit. I went through many of these phases – being cool, ghetto, hip-hop, preppy, nerdy, rebellious and macho to name a few. The one I really only tried once was the one that I should have done all along. One time my folks had to take my brother to the dentist or doctor or something, it doesn’t really matter where, just that they were all gone and I was alone in the house. I borrowed a pair of my mom’s panties and put them on. I was so scared they would come home and catch me I felt sick, but under it all I found peace and contentment. I couldn’t put them back because they would be able to tell I had them so I disposed of them. Later she asked if I had seen them and I said no. This really confused me because I felt like I was really defective and this is a time when everyone confuses different with perverted. Since I thought I was twisted I tried extra hard to project the best outward image possible. During the later part of high school I drifted into that area of hyper-testosterone in order to prove that I was the ultimate macho guy. Several years after high school I met someone I really liked, her name is Michelle, while proving how manly I was by dating. She and I hit it off and we eventually got married in order to have a family.

The Military Years

Why did I join the military? I get asked that sometimes, because of the way I felt about myself and to join something so rigid, unbending and conforming. I think there is a complex blend of things that led to it. I was in a minimum wage dead end job and knew I was never going anywhere else. Michelle thought it was a good way to travel around and see the world and I didn’t disagree. Perhaps it was the hyper-testosterone pushing me to be all that I can be. My best friend was going to join so here was something else we could do together. I knew I could get some training and come out a better person. I am also kind of patriotic and advocate mandatory military service for young people – like Israel and other countries do. I think JFK’s Berlin speech – in particular the line about, “Our system of government may not be perfect, but we have never had to build a wall around our country to keep people in” helped to push into service for my country. So I joined the Air Force. Once in I found that the advertisements and situation is not totally in line with each other. There was no out right lies or promises, but like anything else the best points are highlighted and the mundane day-to-day stuff is not mentioned. I came out of high school with good grades and I excelled at all the aptitude tests they threw at me. So I got my pick of jobs. I picked one that looked like fun James Bond type of stuff. Both of the jobs I did are highly classified and I cant talk a lot about them.
My first job involved monitoring the nuclear test ban treaties. This involved going a lot of places and doing a lot of fun things. There was a lot of training involved, in physics, chemistry, biology, electronics and computers. Unfortunately, there was also some bad things involved in that some of the process turned out to generate phosgene gas. Exposure to this ruined the health of a lot of the people I worked with and I was discovered to have some serious health problems. There was talk of forcing me out as disabled, but I wanted to stay in and do my bit so I fought it. I was allowed to cross train into another job.
My next five years I got to be a computer programmer. As I already had a high clearance and had many skills to add, I was sent to the Intelligence training schoolhouse. I was in the shop responsible for designing, testing and maintaining all the teaching aids for all the intelligence disciplines. I was actually in charge of this shop for a little while until some personnel that out ranked me came in.
During my entire tenure in the military, I received outstanding feedbacks with little room for improvement. I gathered awards and decorations for jobs well done. I rose through the ranks. The one trouble spot was I was not enough of an outgoing person. I had always avoided making friends since they would find out I was a freak and things would be grim. The one bright spot was in the programming shop where I made a close friend. I was always told I needed to spend more time outside of working hanging out and doing things with the team. During the holidays, Nov of 1999, I was in a bleak moment of despair and confided how I felt to my friend. Maybe we were always drawn together because we both had our secrets to hide – she is bisexual. After I confided in her she told me her secret and suggested maybe I was a transsexual. I had never heard of this and she told me what little she knew about it and I felt better because know I had a name of something that seemed like how I was. I started looking into it to see if this was me or if I was astray one more time. As I did research I realized I wasn’t alone and there was help out there. By Jan of 2000 I had gotten sicker and they had discovered I had even more liver damage than previous tests had indicated. I gave up fighting it and was put out on a medical retirement.

After the Military

Christmas was rough for me in 2000 I had found out I was getting booted out on a medical retirement and I was sick enough to have gotten the, “You have 6 months to live” speech. This led to a lot of introspection and thought about the rest of my life. I talked to Michelle and told her how I felt, this was the worst moment of my life – even more then knowing I was possibly dying. I knew when I told her I thought I was a Transsexual and wanted to investigate it further, I might loose everything – her, the kids, and our life together. She took it fairly well and told me she had kind of figured out that I was something like that all along. I sought counseling for transsexual issues and found a specialist to help with my health. I also found a job with a company building software for the Navy Intelligence section. Life really started looking up for me: my health was improving with the medication my Dr. had put me on, my mental health was a lot better since I could understand what it was that happened to me and I was doing something I loved and was serving my country still. Two years later I had been successful in all aspects of my life: my Dr. said I was almost cured physically, I felt whole and complete and knew my course as a Transsexual, and I had once again been getting great feedbacks, awards and decorations at work. I had also come out to my family and friends about being a transsexual and was living my life as Racheal everywhere but at work. I had gone back to college in order to get my BS to go along with my experience and was getting straight A’s.
In Feb 2002 my company had told me that they were going to submit me for my security clearance so I could work on their top secret stuff. I was excited, but also knew I would have to tell them before I got my clearance. I sat down with my boss and talked over the issue with him in March of 2002 when he had some time. He seemed to be ok with it and said I would be accepted on the merits of my work and not my appearance. Less than 3 weeks later my work, which was praiseworthy before, was decried as substandard and I was fired in April.

The Transition

After I was fired, I went ahead and started living my life full time as Racheal. My psychologist agreed I was doing fine and let me legally change my name and documentation. One of the greatest thrills in my life was to go to school, the next semester, and see my information correctly in my account and accident of my birth information. I had been taking speech therapy and deportment lessons for a while. I had also been having electrolysis done. So when the full time transition happened, it was not a problem. I like to think I fit in fairly well and that people cant really tell. I haven’t heard anything bad from the people I know and I believe that in school with the young fashionable crowds I would have heard if it had been said. I cant say it has all been no problem, but I think it is going overwhelmingly on the positive side. I have taken up the role as an activist, both on campus and off. I am in the midst of starting a Transsexual student organization at school. I have also written several research papers on Transgendered rights in my many ethics classes. I have also recently joined TGAIN and hope to be more active with them – I would join AVER, HRC and some of the others, but they cost money and I don't have a job. I have applied and will be going to Grad school in Jan 2003 to get my Masters and eventually my PHD in CS. I have made many new friends that accept me as I am and fill me with hope. My relationship with Michelle is also stronger than ever and we are better friends now.
There are some bleak spots, but they too shall come to be passed. I am having trouble finding a job: with the tech economy going bust, lack of college degree, and reason for leaving last employer. I lost most of my old friends when I transitioned. I also lost most of my family, including those I was once closest too – My parents. Strangely enough as children, my brother and I didn’t get along to good, but he has been the most accepting of my family. We still don't get along as well as we should, but we are closer than we once were. My health is not back to 100% and will never get there, but at least I am mostly better.

My Thoughts

My whole life I have been different.  I don’t mean different in the way that each person is unique, but really different.  You see I am a transsexual - that is - someone born in one gender and identifying as the other.  It took me a long time to come to terms with this - the military still won’t, but here is my story.

 I was born John Goss - a good Christian male name.  I won’t bore you with the details of my upbringing.  Suffice it to say I tried to be the man that males are supposed to be.  What better way than to join the Air Force?

 I enlisted in 1991 with my best friend.  I chose a field that was as "James Bond" as I could get.  I worked on monitoring nuclear, biological and chemical weapons treaties compliance.  I performed my job admirably, was given high ratings on my evaluations, was decorated and promoted.  I enjoyed my job and was good at it.  But it was work with a price.  We were exposed to some very nasty chemicals and substances.  Many of my friends got sick and most got out of the service in poor health.  I was reassigned for a while to get me away from the chemicals, but it didn’t help and after a while it became clear I had suffered liver damage as was going to be discharged.  

I had been in five years and wasn’t ready to be done serving my country.  So I fought to stay in and they let me on the condition I do something else.  I agreed to learn computer programming, and got a new job maintaining networks, computers, and training materials that the Intelligence community used.  I was good at this job, got high evaluations, awards, promotions, and became a supervisor. 

During this whole time I was getting progressively sicker, and I was also feeling increasing conflicted about my gender identity. A friend of mine suggested maybe I was a transsexual. I was scared, because if the Air Force ever found out I was done for – I might even lose my disability or medical coverage.   

Despite my fears, I had reached the point where I had to do something, so I began looking into it.  I had been scared in the field plenty of times, but that was nothing compared to my dread that the Air Force could find out about me.  Finally I decided I needed help and I wasn’t going to be able to get any while in the Air Force.  So I quit fighting the medical discharge and retired.

 Disability is helpful, but it doesn’t pay the bills and after 10 years in the Air Force, it was tough to leave – the Air Force was all I knew.  I didn’t have a degree so I had to rely on my experience for a job.  I ended up working with a civilian contractor for the Navy.  The job kept me in the intelligence field, and once again I got good evaluations and promotions. 

 I also found the opportunity to seek professional help for the issues I was facing as a transsexual now that I was out of the Air Force.  I finally accepted who and what I was and began living my life as a woman outside of work.  After a lot of research and talking to other transsexuals with security clearances I decided it was time come out at work.  I had been there for 2 years and they knew my personality, work ethics and abilities.  I talked to the manager about it and assured him it was not going to hurt my work or affect my ability to maintain a clearance - I even knew a transsexual who was working on the space shuttle!  But within 2 months I was let go. 

12 years of dedicated work to the intelligence community.  12 years of caring and doing my part for national security.  12 years of sweat, labor, pain and blood defending my country – all gone with the stroke of a pen by someone who was intolerant. 

 I protected the rights of my fellow Americans – even the ones who wouldn’t tolerate me, yet as a transsexual, I don’t have any rights.  I am still the same person I always was, with the same skills and abilities, just a different look on the outside. 

 Being a transsexual doesn’t mean I can’t do the job as well as someone else – it means I don’t even get the chance.